Dear future self

Dear future,

I hope you are good, emotionally more than physically.Mentally and spiritually too. I really hope you are happy with where you are at. The decisions you made, the mistakes you turned into lessons, but mostly, I hope you are stable. You had countless dreams, I pray they were all achieved. Remember when you had that annoying habit of always explaining your ‘No’! I hope that changed, it would be lovely to know that you learned how to be assertive without having to explain to anyone your decisions.

Forgiving was always easy, but letting go was  always such a task, remember that? And remember how that was  the reasoning why moving forward was so hard? We’ll I’m hoping that changed, you deserved better then and you sure do deserve better now. I hope you learned  how to let go on that which always hurt. Let go and forget for good.

You kept on dealing with those who were full of hypocrisy and dishonesty, I hope that maturity came with the realization that you don’t always move forward with everyone.

You always knew what you wanted but we’re always so afraid of what others would think and how it would affect them, that was really sad. I sure hope you realized its everyone for themselves in this world. It is what it is. I hope you learned to accept yourself and your flaws without feeling like you are letting anyone down, don’t feel apologetic for who you are.

Your heart isn’t going to be the determining factor for all your decisions, I hope you realized by now. You have a mind which ensures you remember your worth. Don’t let love fool you in anyways whatsoever. And by now, I know what and who is worth the hustle of life.

School. Family. All that should have been figured out by now. Let’s hope you were able to finish up on the course you’re doing and you ventured in more out there. I hope the perfect relationship you had with your sisters and mother is still intact. I hope the friends you chose to be family are still around and that you’re loyal to those who chose you to be their family.

Remember that time when you felt like what others said would always be the final conclusion? I hope you learned how to lace yourself from all that negative attitude that was always around you. And that you always learned how to ignore all those whose work was to criticize and nothing else.

“Its never that serious”, you always took things too personally and ended up getting hurt. I hope that you learned to shake it off and picked the lessons that were to be picked. You don’t always need to get affected. Sacrifices were your major, You’d always sacrifice for others, but by now, you had better be letting people deal with their actions.

“Its okay to be broken and not okay”, you always told others that but never practiced it. Yes you are strong, but its okay to feel lost sometimes. Let others be there for you sometimes,Let them be there for you. Don’t hold back. I hope you stopped shutting people out. Emotions are emotions. I hope you learned how to stick around those who were out to uplift you, in spirit and in character.

Spiritually i hope you didn’t go against what you’ve always believed in and what you stood for.

But mostly, I hope you learned how to be real to yourself. I’ll be here to remind you of everything that you went through and where we want you to be. We’ve got  your back,enjoy your life. Catch up. Eat out. Live. Cry. Grow out of the ordinary.

 

Yours sincerely,

being.imelda

 

HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE.

Today I’ll choose to cry for the very last time. This is because i want to heal and in order to heal i have to let it out completely. This baggage is too heavy to carry around thinking that it’ll get better but instead it doesn’t, i only get used to the situation.

Today is the day i decide to let you know that it hurts like a bitch,that every sing word you said made me numb.Was it cause i loved you with every being in me or was it the fact that this was the end of it all.No matter the case it still did hurt.

Talking and thinking about it made it hurt the more,was it the great times we had or was it the fact that i won’t be having those great times with you anymore. You made me believe in paradise, all the places we went reminds me of you, the photos we took,reminds me of how happy we were in that moment.

To be honest it has taken me lots of courage to actually come up with words to describe how i feel inside.I’m not going to say how much i hate you for breaking my heart and making me cry but instead, I’m going to talk about how much happy you made me feel.

Remember when we met at the helipad,it all began there.We made so much promises with assurance that we had so much to live for with each other side to side.We made such a great a team.

The various coffee shops you took me to,some i didn’t even know existed.Your friend’s wedding that we attended having me as your date.Boooy have i said the lunch we had with your family, in that moment i knew there’s no one i would rather be with but you.

The gifts we shared symbolising our relationship, the promise ring and the two pieced necklace. All these were golden moments i wouldn’t trade for the world. You loved me with your all and i gave you my all too. We knew our love and friendship was something real that nothing or no one would come in between us.

You made life so simple and every night I’d go to sleep,i slept knowing that someone loved me and i loved him back with the same ferocity. The photos we took were assurance that we were so happy that i felt what infinity and beyond meant.

Today I’m going to talk about how you were my crush all day everyday. There’s a way you looked at me that made me weak,the dances you taught me;those were my best moments. Remember when you practiced how you would carry me and dance with me in our wedding? Yes i still remember that like it was yesterday because every single word you told me went straight to my heart.I felt every single word, joke,i felt it all.

I prayed to God every day to keep us together and happy and that no obstacle would separate us or weaken our relationship. I gave you my all and when you left, i was as empty as the dark.I felt every vein in me,i felt the hair in my body leave for a moment cause i gave you all of me. 101% of every emotions, all the happiness and every being in me.You took it all cause when you love,you love with your all.

I thank you for the good heart that your family has ,especially your sisters,we made friendship so tight you’d think i was part of the family already. I have no regrets for whatsoever that happened between us,infact i want to thank you for the little infinity you gave me with in a number of days.You made my birthday worthwhile. On my graduation you stood by me all the way from Eldoret.If that ain’t love tell me what it is.You have been there for me for good and bad times.You’ve corrected me and shared your views where i needed clarity. Like i said,you were God sent. You made me believe that there’s actually true love and I’m really thankful for that.You made me realize that one can actually be happy and believe in shooting stars.We made so much memories within a short period of time and I’m glad i was able to make them with you.

I want to be thankful once more that true love actually exists and that it needs two hearts to actually nurture it and build a home out of it.
Thank you for the best months of my life. You are one of the good souls and you deserve nothing more than the best.

like i said i needed closure, i needed to get it out my chest so that instead of looking back with tears,i can actually look back and smile that at some point in my life, i was actually inlove and everything about it was real because that is what we really wanted.I can now talk about stuff without having to shed a tear and instead i can actually assure someone that love is not a bad thing, in fact if you haven’t fallen in love,you haven’t lived.

I tell you believe in love,love someone with your all despite knowing that someday they’ll wake up and realize that they don’t love you no more.
When you have the chance, cease the moment, create memories, laugh till your stomach hurts,visit places, have coffee dates,dance so hard till your feet hurts because one day the music will stop and you’ll have to dance to your own tune.I tell you it will hurt then but looking back, you’ll realize you had so much happiness in you that it’ll be able to heal your broken heartedness.

I won’t wish you all the best in your life because that is what you said to me when you were leaving but instead I’ll tell you thank you for the joy you brought into my life.I know I’m supposed to hate you and probably throw cursing words at you for ‘so much for my happy ending’ but instead I’m going to tell you that some moments you only get to experience them once and sometimes that once is good enough.You are the best thing that has ever happened into my life.

Thanks.

Regards,
me,myself and I.
😃

love and light

2AM

Dear you
Let me tell you this.You messed me up.You messed us up.You screwed up over every opportunity i gave you.Every shot of forgiveness i killed myself to give you was all for nothing.But guess what?I don’t feel the pain as much as I’m supposed to.Because this tiny inch in my heart still waits for the day that you’ll come back.

I know i should have learned my lesson by now,but I’m still waiting,and I’m afraid that I always will be.
But please do us both a favor.If you ever think about coming back to me,don’t do it in the dead of the night or in the crack of dawn,or any moment in between.
Because it’s unbelievable how 2AM brings out the truth in many people.

It’s 2am when i realize how ugly you can make me feel.It’s at 2am when i realize how much pain you’ve caused me and how hurt i am up until now.It’s at 2am in the morning that i wonder why,why you’ve broken me and why you’ve cut me off.

what did i ever do to you?

Was finding someone better enough to do this to me?

It’s at 2 in the morning when i want answers.Because if you tell me in the middle of the day,I’d break. I’d break into pieces impossible to put back together.If you tell me in the middle of the day, you’d hear the shattering of the broken body of glass that used to be me.

it’s at 2 in the morning that i can listen to my own sobs,and not worry about anyone hearing me.

It’s at 2 in the morning that I’m all alone and i can blame you without being afraid.So do us both a favor and don’t allow me to hurt you like that.Because the last thing i want is to see you crying the way i wish i wasn’t.

But then again the last thing i said i wanted before was for you to never say good bye to me or at least you promised me that.

So instead at 2 in the morning,you decided to leave with a text ‘i only love you as a friend’. Funny how life works around wishes like that.Loopholes are found in every hope,wish and dream and that’s why they never come true the way you want them to anymore.At least not for me.

It’s one of the many things that have changed after you left.I could list them down on ink and leaves for hours,just so i could see your name again and again.

I used to be asleep at 2 in the morning.That’s the one thing i wish you didn’t change.

Regards,
being.imelda

love and light

words she couldn’t say

Hot mess.Some days you’d wish to be normal and alive and at times you’d wish mother nature would take the breath out of you.

I must say I’m drowning. Drowning in emotions, drowning in what you said to me.Was it really necessary?To be honest I’m more scared of you than i could confide in you then.Baby girl,don’t fall in love and if you do,i hope you have the best of it cause it can consume you.It’s a beautiful thing if you cease the moment but when he wakes up one day and realizes that he doesn’t want to be with you,i hope you’ll find the strength to
accept the truth.

Good thing is nothing lasts forever, and the bad thing is nothing lasts forever either. Cease the moment when you can but watch out whom you make memories with cause one day those memories will be the one to destroy you.Were you not enough for him?
Don’t you dare think little or less about yourself. Know your worth then add tax.That’s how much you are Worth.Maybe you were everything and he wasn’t enough.It’s not always your fault sweetheart.

This time it was different.Faced with an opportunity to yell.She chose to say nothing.She nolonger cared to react.At times silence is words enough.They’ll miss you and you’ll continue dodging their bullets.It hurts like hell right now but trust me youllbe fine.Crying over it doesn’t make you weak,it makes you realize that pain is inevitable. It’s like happiness.You embrace it with your all and pain,well you can only express that better in tears.

Above all be greatful for the big things, small things and everything in between. No matter what the situation.If you ever think you’ve almost nothing,remember to be thankful for the sun,the water,the earth and all of love in your life.You’ll soon realize that you actually have everything.Don’t let them love you according to their moods.

I hope you find someone who chooses you and if you don’t i hope you choose yourself.Things you deserve: a good sleep,a good life and a good man.Probably you are wondering what you did wrong, it’s not always about you. You were more than enough. He just couldnt handle your magical personality. Everyone let’s you down eventually,you just need to know how to get back up. That’s what really matters.Be kind to your own heart.Guard your peace of mind.

Do not allow him to consume you.If he does not call,go to sleep.If he does not text,put your phone away and have a fantastic day anyway.If he plays with your feelings constantly walk away from him.If he says terrible and unforgivable things and threatens to leave you after every argument,walk away from him.If he acts distant when you are with him and he does not tell you what’s wrong,dont wait for him,go home and do what you love.If he tries to teach you a lesson through the silent treatment,ignore him completely.You can not stress this much,you live for yourself first.He is a secondary character in the story of your life.Do not allow him to turn you into a secondary character in your own book.

Just remember: your education, career and money will never wake up one day and leave you..She’s
strong and she’s exhausted.She just wants somebody to rub her back and butt and butt and ask her how her day was and listen tk her complain about her fake stress for 20min.

Darling,don’t waste sunsets with people who will be gone by sunrise.
Here’s the cold hard truth baby girl;if he cared about you,he would let you know.When you have a place in someone’s heart,they’ll make sure you know it.It’s not your job to play detective to try and figure out how he feels or what he wants.
And more importantly,a careless boy like this does not deserve a girl with a heart like yours.People come and go,some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.

If it makes you feel something, do it.Love and love heard.Even if you know they’ll just end up leaving after it all.It gives you something to live for.Learn when to walk away.If it’s over leave,don’t continue watering a dead flower.But also learn to push and fight for what you want.There’s no such thing as bad timing or any of that other bullshit.If it matters to you,do something about it.And besides this world can be pretty lonely,find your tribe and love them hard.

For god sake,eat the damn slice of pizza,the calories won’t fucking kill you.Get your heart broken, it’s sad;it’s depressing and it literally eats away at your insides.but its about living and learning.You were doing just fine before he came along and you’ll continue to be just fine after he’s gone.

There’s always a reason to smile you just have to find it.But above all,you gotta show them love even when they don’t,or you become one of them.
Years from now,i hope you achieve everything you want because you deserve it..like he said ‘i wish you all the best in your life’.Don’t let words consume you instead write a story about it.Go chase your dream with your cute self.

Yours,
being.imelda
LOVE &LIGHT