Dusk till Dawn.

I’ll date you because I choose to. I will desire you with every dawn and I will desire you with every dusk. I will date you because you make me laugh, because despite your flaws and your temperaments, my heart feels safe within your hands. I will date you and I will pay no mind to the alternative, I will turn a blind eye to the people who stare because my gaze was made for your gaze. In this generation option creeps into relationships like a dangerous siren, but I will never be swayed by its song, for when I date you, I will date only you.

I will date you in a forgetful way. I wont be able to recall the time you were born, or your mothers middle name. I will forget mini anniversaries, I will forget appointments. However, I will never forget the way you looked when you told me you loved me for the first time. I will never forget the way you smell, the color of the freckles in your eyes. I will always remember what makes your heart race, the moments of smaller magic that bang and clash against your rib cage when my head rests on your chest. I will immortalize you in my fingertips; I will never forget the way you make me feel.

I will date you outside of social media. I will hold your hand, I will kiss your soft mouth, I will be your biggest fan, and that will exist between you and I. Two people, unfiltered, completely unedited, simply loving each other without validation. I wont need a certain amount of likes to know that I admire you, I wont need a specific number of views to understand that I could watch you all day. Our relationship will be one that is incubated within the confines of our inside jokes, our humorous memories, our deep connection – it will never be subjected to a 4×4 square; it will never be two-dimensional.

You will not be my mcm, my wcw, or my bae. You will be my heart. You will be my home. I will not post my love for you on your Facebook wall, I will not take photos to prove to the world how much I adore the way your hair feels in the morning, or how you can never keep a straight face when you see someone fall. There will be no public evidence of our infatuation, but I will love you deeply in the most beautiful places. I will kiss you in your favourite bakery; I will brush your cheek with every tree that lines the most darling streets. We will create memories in the world, not for it. We will see our relationship dotted across the town like Christmas lights.

Most importantly, I will date you in the image of tenacity. I will endure for you, even when we fall on hard times, even when we struggle. I will not flee or abandon you when we disagree, I will not sleep within foreign arms when I feel hurt. I promise that when I date you, I will fight for you. I will fight for the beauty in which our hearts have felt, and though it will be difficult at times, like worthy things are, I will believe in you – I will believe in us and I would like you to do the same too.

PeaceXLove.

being.imelda

Seeds planted in concrete.

I’m not sure if I miss the possibilities of us, or if I miss you. I could have sworn we could have been such a strong couple. That together we could conquer anything.

I have to stop asking why everything went wrong and just accept that fact that it did. Lately, I haven’t put my faith to the test, actually, I dropped my faith because I felt like if God loved me he wouldn’t have put you in my life. But I think God loves me enough to have put you in my life, to allow me to learn something new. Before I remember being scared to suffer, even though this wasn’t some dramatic tragedy I have now felt an inch of what it’s like to suffer emotionally. Because of this my love for people has increased. I want to love people who have been through what I have and to cry with people who seem to can’t get the words out. God uses people to help others and in a way I’ve been used to be able to know what this kind of situation feels like. In all of this you have taught me something valuable.

You’ve taught me that right now I need to focus on finding the women I need to become. The women who is God fearing, who wouldn’t let a guy come between me and my faith but also the women who won’t settle.

You’ve taught me that I really didn’t love myself fully. Because if I did I wouldn’t have let you come into my life twice and wreck it both times like the way you did. It hurts the most because I’ve yet to have any closure from you. You haven’t even had the decency to text me about where things went wrong. You make me angry because how can you let a girl walk around questioning herself and in some ways hating herself for the things you did.

You’re a coward. And will I ever get closure from a coward?

No.

I haven’t come to terms with that though because I swore that people are good and that no one hurts people without explaining why or even apologizing, but that’s also a part of the lesson you’ve taught me, that not everyone has the same mindset as me, not everyone loves like I do or has the heart like me. It sucks. I know. But in some ways it’s beautiful.It makes me different from most people. I know for a fact people will remember me for that because it’s not often that you find a beautiful human with a beautiful soul. You’ve taught me that giving a second chance isn’t always the best thing. That if someone does it once, they’ll do it again. People don’t change unless they want to. And it’s up to me to decide if It’s worth it or not. You’ve taught me to leave as soon as my intuition screams in my head that whatever is in front of me isn’t a good soul. Through your attempt to hurt me, you’ve taught me.

Thank you.

PeaceXlove.

STAY STRONG DARLING

You’re someone’s universe 

or galaxy or the brightest star in their night sky.

You are precious my love.

You are needed,

More than you could ever think.

You are in their thoughts,

Memories of you linger in their minds

Like the fresh fragrance of roses.

They think about you

Everyday,

Each passing second and minute.

You’re deeply loved 

And

Your life matters.

You are not to be blamed

My Love,

So don’t give up,and

Don’t taint your arms with strokes

Of crimson red.

You are an amazing person.

You are braver than,

Any soldier to walk on this planet.

Your battle scars

Are what makes you beautiful;

Wear them like a medallion

And be proud of them.

Because battle scars

Will heal,

Death doesn’t.

PeaceXlove

Being.imelda

PILLS AND PORTION

But the problem is that you only love what you see and what you hear about me. But do you really know me like you say you do? What do you really know about me? How i giggle? What I say when I’m at my highest and lowest moments or the color of my eyes? Tell me please what you mean when you say you know me. Is it the fact that i wear flat shoes or the fact that I love my nails painted in a certain way or color?
But that’s not enough to say that you know me, that you love me. Do you know that I cry when watching movies? Yes? No? So yes actually I do. It’s something that just happens. Does that make me weak? An emotional wreck? But that’s just me. Do you know that I hum just to kill away silence cause it makes me feel uncomfortable? Do you know that I actually can’t stand straight like those cover models cause I’m still fighting for confidence in me and within me. Sometimes, actually most of the times it leaves me. Do you know that I have shaky hands? Caused my nervousness,anxiety, too much and lack of taking coffee? Or something in between.So tell me what is it that you know about me? Do you know my guilty pleasures? The most common apps I can’t live without? Do you really know that I find peace at 2AM .This is when i can collect my emotions and thoughts together where the silence of the night leads me to a safe place.I know I’m a whole lot of work but when you said you’re ready for us what part did you actually mean? Can you handle the fact that I’m a worrier, that I overthink things? That I notice the slightest change in someone. Can you handle the fact that I’m ‘bipolar’ that sometimes I get too happy and that explodes leaving me empty, in deep thoughts, wondering how things could be so heavy and so light all at the same time. Can you handle the fact that at times I’ll need you to leave me alone to my space and there’s times I would want you all to myself? Too much to ask? Do you still say you want me? You want us? Or you’re gonna give me the silent treatment and weeks later is when I realize that you’re actually gone. That you couldn’t handle it all at once. But have you ever asked how I actually do it? How i put it all together the mess in a pink dress, red lips and silver earrings? It takea alot more than just courage, patience and perseverance. This is what I was made to do, to not give up on myself even when you do, even when the world does.I have to be there for myself come what may. This is a journey I discovered not long ago but I’m glad i did. I got so much used to putting my happiness in other people leaving every piece of me behind when those people got tired of me until it had to take a couple of nights crying myself to sleep just to be able to redeem myself back. I always loved and gave my whole just enough for two lovers but unfortunately I always got the love back in doses. I let people justify my happiness, my worth, my reason for existence. I used to look forward to texts and messages and emails to a point where when I didn’t get them, it made me feel depressed asking myself where I went wrong, apologizing on your behalf. But I’m glad I outgrew that part of me. I’ve got to a point where you give me negative vibe or I feel like I’m forcing a conversation out of you, I block and delete the shit out of you.
I know my worth and I’m not going to accept anything less than that. I’m not going to burn to keep others warm. I’m not going to cross an ocean for someone who can’t consider getting wet. That girl is gone. She’s no more. She was sweet and fragile and naive and soft. The new girl is more like that too although too sassy and knows better. I think i like, actually I love her. She’s focusing on herself more and indulging on things that make her soul at peace. I love who I have become. I love the direction that I’m taking and I definitely love where I am right now. Please don’t give up on yourself, you’ve got alot to offer the world.
Yours,

Love and Light❤️

Being.imelda

Its not me

No, it’s not me. That’s not the reason why I can’t be with you anymore. It’s not me, it’s you. It’s your inability to be there when I need you, not once or twice, but every single time, it’s your inability to make decisions where you definitively choose me. It’s your incapacity to understand that you need to put as much effort in a relationship as the other person you are with. It’s the way you took me for granted.

It’s not me, it’s definitely you. It’s the way I’m always the first to text and call and make an effort and how you just laid back in this relationship and expected everything to be done for you. 

It’s not me, it’s a hundred percent you. It’s the way you assume it was my job to cater to you in this relationship and never to reciprocate. Change my plans to fit your schedule, answer the phone on the first ring when you rarely even look at yours.

No, I am not going to sit here and pretend the problem was me when very clearly it was you. You don’t get to treat me like I am nothing but a fire you need to warm your hands by only to douse it out when the time has come to leave. I am not a glass of water for you to drink from and throw the rest into the sink. I am better than that, I am the healing you desperately needed but chose not to see. So forgive me for saying what needs to be said here, it was unequivocally, a hundred percent you, not an ounce of this was on me.

Regards,

Being.imelda❤️