Dear Imelda

 

But before you begin reading my little book, there are a few things I’d like  you to consider and understand:

• You may have noted that I titled this book a “modest compilation,” rather than an “instruction book.” This is not my arrogant attempt to teach you anything. In fact, much of the book reflects things that you have taught me, or that I have somehow learned in my daily dealings with you.
• You may also have noted the word “truth” in the title of this book. That is because, as you know, I am a big believer in and fan of truth. I believe that every statement within this book contains at least a particle of truth. Of course, you may very well disagree with me. I am certainly not the all-knowing seer of truths. However, every statement contained in this book has, I believe, opened my eyes a bit wider, or somehow rounded out my still not-so-round vision of truth.
• You will notice as you flip through these pages that a good portion of this book is quotes, rather than my own personal thoughts. Well, as I said before, I search mainly for truth. How arrogant it would be of me to look only within myself for something so great!
• Remember that just because your name isn’t cited as the source of any statement in this book, it doesn’t mean you haven’t contributed to its development. All of you have, in fact, shown me truths at one time or another, and that is why I value and love you guys so much.

Enjoy. This is the one thing, out of the 103 I was supposed to do, that I actually did…

1. A conversation between Calvin and Hobbes:

Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is adlibbing his lines.

Hobbes: Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re in a tragedy or a farce?

Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers.

2. “Every gambler knows the secret to surviving is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep.” – The Gambler, Kenny Rogers

3. “If you are truly confident about something, you welcome honest questions about it.” – Peter Kreeft

4. Don’t ask people questions you know they can’t answer.

5. Search less for meaning and more for truth.

6. Yes, quite often it is the case that bad people get good parking spots. Don’t waste your time being bitter about it.

7. Verb a word.

8. “Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.” – George Eliot

9. “The difference between a fool and a jerk is that a fool does stupid things that only hurt himself, whereas a jerk does stupid things that hurt others.” – Dave Harvey

10. Security often comes from knowing yourself better than other people know you.

11. Most truths are intuitively obvious and remarkably simple.

12. He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool; shun him. He who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child; teach him. He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep; wake him. He who knows and knows that he knows is wise; follow him. (An old saying from I forget which country.)

13. “People rarely change, but all too often become “more so” of a quality they always possessed but never expressed.” – Mr. McKeon

14. Beware of people who insist on telling others how much of a rock star they are.

15. Understand the difference between procrastinating and taking time out to relax.

16. “Don’t be so open-minded that your brain falls out.” (I forgot who said that)

17. “There are those men who say to repay evil with kindness. But I say, how then are we to repay kindness? Repay kindness with kindness, but repay evil with justice.” – Confucius

18. “Those who are awake live in a constant state of amazement.” – Buddha (I think.)

19. “Practice moderation in moderation.” – Buddha (I think.)

20. “We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing left to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.” – Tom Stoppard

21. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.

22. “War costs money.” – Bob Gardner

23. “And this lies in the nature of things: What people are potentially is revealed in actuality by what they produce.” – Aristotle

24. The Skin Horse, from the Velveteen Rabbit, on real:

Real isn’t how you are made, it’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real…when you are real you don’t mind being hurt…it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily or have sharp edges…

25. Abraham Lincoln once said to a man, “Supposing we called a sheep’s tail a leg. Then how many legs would the sheep have?” “Why, five of course,” the man replied. “No,” corrected Abe, “for calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it one.”

26. The only honest reason to ever believe anything is because it is true—not because it is pleasant, convenient, or will boost your ego.

27. “What’s up is not down and if you can’t figure that out, we’re all fucked.” – Smith Vaughan

28. As the “college process” told us, while it is true that good things come in small packages, good news often comes in large envelopes.

29. Honesty is love of truth.

30. “Your values are defined by what you spend your time and money on.” – Dave Harvey

31. “I haven’t a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices.”
– Mark Twain

32. “And how does a man benefit if he gains the whole world and loses his soul in the process? For is anything worth more than his soul?” Mark 8:36-7

33. Don’t lecture someone after they’ve already apologized.

34. “Yard by yard, life is hard. Inch by inch, life’s a cinch.”

35. As a courtesy to those who wish to check the time, press “clear” on the microwave after stopping it in mid-action.

36. To make a mistake and then not correct it is to make another mistake.

37. “Yes, sometimes life leaves us between a rock and a hard place. But flowers grow in between them, and they are beautiful.” – Anthony Johnson

38. Anybody who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.

39. Sacrifice honesty before integrity. (That’s a tough one. Give it some thought before objecting)

40. “It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There once was a man, who not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.” – Mark Twain

41. Mean people suck.

42. “We are all in the same boat, in a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty.” – G.K. Chesterton

43. “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.” – Mark Twain

44. Most people may in fact be boring or disappointing, but this doesn’t make them worthless.

45. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

46. “Pleasant is only the activity of the present, the hope of the future, and the memory of the past.”

47. “A Cold, self-righteous prig who goes to church regularly may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course, it is better to be neither.” – C.S. Lewis

48. “Friends enhance our ability to think and act.” – Aristotle

49. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it.” – Ferris Bueller

50. “And she said she usually cried at least once each day, not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short.” – Brian Andreas
Yours sincerely, 

24yr old self❤
Being.imelda

To all the broken ones

I hope you find the one who makes you feel home, whether you’re laying right next to them or just thinking of them from a thousand miles away. I hope that their voice spreads a tingling warmth throughout your body, that even the sound alone has the power to make you feel safe and peaceful.

I hope you feel an intense joy explode throughout your body just from feeling them breathe in and out, from knowing that you’re close enough to feel their chest rise and fall and that at least in this moment, they are very much alive. I hope that the knowledge of their health and safety and proximity to you brings you a gratitude stronger than anything you’ve felt before.

I hope that they make you feel whole again. Not because it is their job to fix you or that you are incapable of saving yourself, but because it’s just easier for you to put the broken pieces of yourself back together when you have someone standing by your side, handing you super glue or encouraging words when you need them.

I hope that they love you all the more for your jaded edges, that they want to know how you got each little cut and bruise so that they can ensure your story is no longer being carried on your shoulders alone.

I hope you find someone who finally makes you feel like you don’t have to pretend. Someone who loves you for your bright spots but is just as happy to be with you on the dark days. And I hope you find someone who shares their dark days with you too, so you can understand how easy it is to still love someone despite their so-called imperfections, so that you can see how quickly you look past these bumps and love them even more for sharing them. And that hopefully, after doing that, you’ll be able to process the fact that they feel the same way about you.

I hope you find someone who makes you feel a connection stronger than you’ve ever felt with any other human being in your life, even when you haven’t spoken a single word to one another. I hope you find someone who, from a single glance or a touch of the hand, conveys to you that you truly are the opposite of alone.

I hope you find the one who makes you feel like a thousand pounds have been lifted off your chest, even when they haven’t fixed your actual problem at hand. The one who makes you feel better simply for knowing that there is someone out there who hears what you’re going through and understands what’s keeping you up at night. Someone who, although they can’t shelter you from your problems, can at least make you feel like you have the support to get through them on your own.

I hope you find someone who makes you laugh again, who reminds you that humor can still twinkle lightly even in the heaviest of moments.

I hope you find someone who opens your eyes to the stories happening all around you, who shows you that you are not the only one who feels like they’re barely keeping their head above water.

I hope you find someone who listens instead of just hearing, who looks you in the eye, who does what they promise they’re going to do, who tells you the truth instead of telling you what is easy, who carries you during your rough patches and knows you’re just as capable of taking care of them. Someone who tells you it’s okay to be sad but doesn’t give up until they’ve made you smile, who expects the best out of you because they’ve seen what you’re capable of, who turns to you for advice and gives you their own when you need it, who always makes you feel like you have a partner, no matter what.

And most of all, I hope you find someone who is just as broken as you, so that they can help you understand just how easy you are to love.

I hope you find love cause you are Love. 

Being.imelda

Everything i never said

Maybe it’s our nature as humans to run from the things and moments we should face to those that will keep us guarded for a little longer so that running always gets to be an option. But what do you do when you’re at a dead end and there’s nowhere to run anymore? Well, where I am right now tells me that you face the truth and conquer your fears just here. It’s so easy for us to praise the assholes but never the genuinely good hearted. I will never understand that.

I could tell you exactly how long it’s been since we last spoke to the second but I know that there is no point in making something easy, difficult. This letter is something I have owed you since then. I’m sorry that it took me so long to gain the courage I needed in order to finally write it. It may come off as a complete shock that I would go through all this trouble after so much time but it wasn’t until recently that I finally understood the meaning behind it all. Please believe me when I say that I have no ill intention with any word you find written here. My only wish is that once you finish reading all I have to say, you understand that you have saved someone and that someone will never stop being thankful.

I’ve sat down numerous times attempting to write out all I have wanted to say to you but every time I try, the delete button is hit halfway through. It’s always either too much or not enough. It would take a novel for me to explain my every day since then but what happens in my everyday life is not something I need to write down for you. It’s not the reason behind this letter. So if it’s not that, what is it?

I want you to know that I am sorry for everything I put you through. I am sorry for all the anger I lashed out on you and for any hurtful words I have said. Anger was never something I felt towards you, but rather to the situations life always tossed my way. I won’t make excuses because I’m not trying to justify my actions. I have made many mistakes. I still do, but I am trying my best to learn from them. I just want you to know that I am sorry for every tear I caused and for every one that I could not save from falling.

My desire was to always make you feel wanted and loved, and I know there were moments where I did the complete opposite. Sometimes I really wish I could go back and change those moments into something better, something worth remembering, and for no reason but to remove any doubt you may have had in yourself because of them. But then I begin to think it is because of those moments that you can now acknowledge what you deserve and know that it is so much more than anything I was ever able to offer your way.

I still think about you from time to time. More so lately than ever before because I know I can’t put aside the image of you any longer. There were so many moments over the past year where I felt like I was losing myself, suffocating from everything in my life. It was in those moments that my ability to breathe and feel okay came from you and everything you taught me. There are so many moments I wish you were there for just so you could witness the influence you’ve had on me and how far it is that I am still going. I find myself pinching my skin, trying to wake up because it can’t be reality. Life cannot be this meaningful and bright. But it is or so it seems because I have yet to wake up.

I thank you for that.

There are times where just the thought of you comes to mind from nothing other than the memories my heart will always replay for me. It would be the biggest lie I ever told if I said that I do not miss you because I do. I know that I always will. Just as your memory brings me smiles, it brings me tears as well. But I’m okay with that, more than okay. I cannot be anything less than grateful for the time I had to share my world with yours. No one could ask for anything more when someone has already shown them all they could and the path to the rest of the world with it.

I don’t know how to explain how it is you exactly saved me because I have yet to understand it completely myself. Part of me knows that I never completely will get it because it’s a phenomenon that will never end. In the literal sense alone, my every breath is thanks to you. If not for the reasons behind everything we’ve been through, then for all the promises you had me make. I realize so much more now that they were never things you requested of me that would benefit you, but instead they were for my own good.

You taught me to love myself when we both so clearly knew I did not. You made me not only want to live but to serve my purpose as an individual in this world as well. They say that you cannot break an addiction or stop a behavior for any other than yourself or it will come back. I believe that, I know you do too. So your promises may seem like they were meaningless or without purposes but its actually just the opposite. I stopped for me because of you. I know how easy it is to run back to something so lethal when hope is lost. Your promises have remained as my hope when I have lost it in myself. They ensure me that I shouldn’t give up, that I never can because everything always means more than what it seems to. What my future holds is just that. If the knowledge of the importance of words and promises was not a gift you gave me, I really don’t believe I’d be anywhere close to where I am today. In all honesty, I would probably be dead.

I’m okay; I want you to know that. I wish I had some great story to tell you to make sure you believe me when I say that, but I don’t. I still make mistakes all the time but I really always do my best to learn from them. I keep my education as my number one priority. I try to spread love with everything I say and do. It often leaves me to be burned in the end but that’s okay, because I understand that pain is a part of growth.

Most importantly, I see every day through my own eyes and those eyes understand what it means to be in love with not just a person but with the world as well. It was you that gave me that ability. And maybe I’m still living at home, and still single. But you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. For the first time in two years, I am alone in a way that allows me to truly look at both the past and present. It feels good to acknowledge the past instead of continuously trying to run from it. For a long time I was angry. Not at you but at myself because I did not want to admit that what you did was the right thing to do and that because of it, I have only loved you more.

Love is one of the most dynamic concepts to ever exist, simply because it has so many shapes and forms that one cannot define or explain not only that which it truly is but also all that it comes with and all that it gives. I get why you left me and although I wish you didn’t, I understand why you did and because of that I am okay. How often does one come along that will love you enough to save you when being saved is the last thing you could ever want? I admit, our lives were being held together by a rope. But just as that rope kept us bound to one another, it denied us the ability to truly move on and have a future with any person who walked into our lives. We both know that even if it literally killed me, I would never walk away. So in the end, your love proved greater and stronger. I always knew it would. There’s nothing more that I ever wanted but for you to feel great in every way possible and in the end, it was just me that was keeping you from that. That will be my only regret in life. I only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being so selfish with my love for you.

Real, true, epic love. That is what you gave me and it’s something I will always cherish. There are days even now when those closest to me wonder if I’ll ever love another in the same way I do you. I never have an answer to give them other than “I don’t know” because I don’t. I don’t know if it’s possible to love someone that much, twice. Love indeed I will, and I have but not the same way, not yet at least. I have hope though, just as every person should and even if it does not happen again, I cannot say I would take anything back or that I have missed out on anything. So many people live their entire lives chasing something I can say at 24, I have already had. That it was the most beautiful feeling in the world and that although I only had it for so little time, the eternal marks it left within my heart is what gives me the ability to share it with all that I come across and with a graceful face. Everything I have ever considered possible in only the dreams we sleep for at night, you proved could and does exist in life instead.

My biggest fear will always be that we end up one day in the same room somewhere and one of us will walk away without my heart knowing its largest part was there until it is too late. It remains my biggest fear because if that were to happen, with you would leave the opportunity for me to personally tell you with my eyes that you were never anything but the greatest thing that ever happened to me and my life. I have felt that you walked away thinking the worst of it all. That’s something I do not want you to do. You have only shown a dark person bright lights and endless opportunities. So when you said your purpose was to save me, know that you successfully did and be proud because of it — not of me but of the power of your heart.

My prayers for your ultimate happiness are still made every day. I cannot imagine you being anything less than that. I try to picture what your life is like right now and how far you have made it but its difficult to do when you know the person is capable of conquering the world. I hope that life has been well for you and all in your heart. My best wishes always lie with you and your family. I hope that you have finally come to believe that a future filled with love has always been in your grace. I cannot wait until the day comes when I get notice of it coming true. That would be amongst the happiest days of my life.

So how is it that one goes about ending their last known words to one they see as a saint? I wish I knew how to say goodbye but even now it remains as something I cannot do. So let me make my last words just this. You once asked me if there would ever exist a time in my life where I would not or could now love you. I still don’t know what made you ask something so random but I’ll leave you with just your answer. To this day you have remained a large part of me and my heart. Any one I have loved since knows who you are and remains as thankful as I am. No day will ever exist where my heart does not love who you are and who you choose to become. Know that no matter where I am at any point in my life, you have in me a great friend who will never stop loving you, someone who will never leave you.

I’ll be seeing you.

Being.imelda

Dear Soulmate

1. I need you to have a traveler’s heart. I need you to have an affinity towards places you’ve never been to and characters you’ve only met for the first time. I need you to be a wondering wanderer like I am, so that we’re always asking, always searching and always finding. I need you to be my tour guide on this life escapade, and I need you to take me to a secret corner and tell me that we are lost, because I need to feel lost with you. You are my home away from home, and I need you to light that bonfire so that together we can stare into it and smile.

2. I need you to greatly appreciate ephemeral episodes of nature like the sunset, or the sound of thunder that breaks the nice silence we share just before saying goodnight, or the sight of a cumulus cloud moving ever so slightly to create a form of what looks to us like a giraffe with a neck that’s a little shorter than normal. I need you to be ecstatic about the idea of sneaking out of your house at 1AM to meet with me, and resting our heads on the windshield of my bestfriend’s car (you also need to know that I don’t drive, and I need you to know the many reasons why). And there, lying down, we will be gazing at the stars. No, we’re not going to be just staring at them; we will be watching them as if they were the venerable Greek gods, simply majestic, simply astounding.

We will soon realize, for the millionth time, that the universe is this large, large place; we will be reminded that this oblate spheroid we call Earth dwells amidst many other planets, all suspended as lonely specks in a vast cosmic arena of an enveloping darkness. All of our problems will once again vanish just like that, because we both know that we are nothing but pawns in our galaxy’s game. We will come to see that this moment is all we have, and that this, too, is ephemeral. Just like the ray of sun that kisses my cheeks on a gloomy Autumn day. Just like that shooting star I saw in December of 2008. Just like the stretching of the skin just beside your lips when I crack my lousy jokes. But I need you to be okay with that. I need you to be okay with that. 

3. I need you to be an artist. Even the messiest, most chaotic thoughts and drawings shouldn’t bother you at all. I need you to be creatively passionate about a life without direction, a life of endless mistakes, sadness and anger. I need you to embrace the overall emotionality of our existence, the reality of the human condition and the yin and yang of being alive. I need you to be positive, yes. But I also need your pessimism. When happiness yawns at us, I need you to trust me enough to cry on my shoulder, or maybe even my chest. I need you to not be ashamed or guilty of your own pain and weaknesses. We will both be burned, wounded and trashed. But I need you to cooperate with me; I need us to laugh and cry at everything at the same time.

4. I need you to know that I am a cat person. I will probably insist on buying a British Shorthair and adopting two more kittens from the animal shelter. On days when you are drowning in your job workload, family crisis and financial stress, I will most likely bombard you with Youtube videos of tiger cubs, snuggling jaguars and sleeping lynxes. And I need you to patiently watch them until it hits you that the feline creatures are undeniably admirable. I don’t need you to be a cat person if you’re not, but I need you to look at me in the eyes and, without saying a word, admit that those videos have taken your mind off of your worries even just for a few minutes.

5. I need you to know when to lie and when to tell the truth. I need it to be clear to you that I know the cliche “We’re in a relationship; we tell each other everything”.  Well, it doesn’t work in real life and with real people. Honesty doesn’t always guarantee a healthy partnership. I need you to be warned that I might not react in a usual way when I find out you cheated on me. I need you to understand my familiarity with the complexity of human relationships. I personally think it’s never just black and white. Every lip-lock with a stranger, every decision to not text back, every shot of tequila, every shattered marriage in this world, has a very convoluted story behind it. So when the time comes that you tell me you kissed someone else and my initial reaction is “Oh, how was it?”, I need you to know that that’s the way you can tell I really like you.

6. I need you to understand that underneath this lively exterior, I am an introvert. Most of the time, I will rather drink cheap wine and eat really unhealthy microwavable ramen with you on a Friday night than go drunk-dancing in the club with semi-friends and acquaintances. I might blurt out some passive-aggressive sentiments regarding any subject here and there, and I might talk to you endlessly about a single little incident that bothers me. So I need you to be an extroverted soul. I need you to keep on showing me the world outside of my precious bubble and tell me that it’s going to be okay; that it’s perfectly fine to try and trust other people because even if it turns out badly, you will still be there for me.

7. I need you to be as obsessed with music as I am, if not more. I need you to love seeing live bands, even the ones that play on the streets asking for ‘donations’. We will be walking in the rain one monotonous Sunday night and begin hearing a gentle yet husky singing voice getting louder with every strum on his acoustic guitar as we slowly recognize the lyrics. “Back beat, the word was on the street/ That the fire in your heart is out/ I’m sure you’ve heard it all before/ But you never really had a doubt/ I don’t believe that anybody/ Feels the way I do about you now”. We will then head back to your apartment and immediately listen to the same song on your iPod, and I’ll need you to sit still on your bare mattress as I carefully plug the left earphone onto your left ear. And in that moment, when your left ear and my right ear are introspectively listening to that song, I need your heart to beat faster. Because mine will. It always will.

8. I need you to get used to hugs that are at least 70 seconds long each. And when I say 70 seconds, I really mean 70 seconds. I need for you to understand the power of a long, sincere embrace. Within those 70 seconds, I need you to tell me the things you never can using words, and show me the images you never can using photographs. I need for you to be completely open, like a fisherman’s view of the wide sea from his almost-stationary vessel. I need you to be a blank page right in the middle of a thick mystery book so I can scribble my love for you the way a kindergartner scribbles – liberally and colorfully.

9. I need you to read books, watch films, visit art galleries and slow dance to Radiohead songs because that’s what I am about. I need you to feel how much these things matter to me, and I need for them to eventually matter to you, too. I need you to be influenced  by me, and I need for me to be influenced by you.

10. I need you to be able to freely communicate with my unadulterated physicality. I need you to lay me down ever so delicately and feel the rush of air from my mouth on your neck as I whisper distorted sounds of devotion and satisfaction. I need you to have a fairly long hair so I can brush through it with my fingers when our lips meet. I need your breath to smell like a combination of cigarette smoke and diet Pepsi. And when I finally break from the kiss, I will only be about an inch away from you because I’ll still need you to recognize the heat coming from my lips. It is the same heat that brought me to where you were, and to where we are right now. And I need you to fill in that inch of distance with another kiss. But I need you to stop halfway an inch because I’ll meet you there.

11. I need you to be aware of my self-destructiveness and my existential crisis. I am one of those unlucky ones who were born to ask infinite questions about themselves and the world that they live in. You will find that I sometimes burst out crying mid-way down my coffee mug, but I need you to understand that it has nothing to do with you, me or us, but the simple fact of my morning coffee reminding me of life’s bitterness and atrocities. And I’m not saying that I’m blaming my coffee for my momentary melancholia. It’s in the sight of that mug with my peripheral view of the city skyscrapers; it’s in the sound of the dogs barking outside somehow blending with the sound of my heavy breathing; it’s in the texture of the dining table which reminds me of the sturdy desks when I was in college; it’s in the way that your actual presence and the mere idea of you collide. It is in those little occurrences that a breakfast sends me to tears. And I need you to pay close attention to that.

12. Most importantly, I need you to realize that I have waited a very long time for this; for you. And I need you to know that no, you don’t meet all of my needs. No, you’re not the one who hits eleven out of eleven from my list. And no, you’re not perfect. You probably don’t give a single shit about books, or sunsets, or cats, or my self-diagnosed mental illness, and maybe your life plan doesn’t really include going on long walks in the rain because you catch cold and fever very quickly, so maybe it’s safe to say that you are underqualified for a place in my heart. But come closer. I have something to tell you. Lean in. Yes, and a little bit more. Now let me tell you a secret: when I fall for you, I fall for you. And there’s nothing that you, me, or this stupid list can do about that.

Yours, 

Future Soulmate ❤

How i know ill break your heart

 

I know you love me. I’m terribly sure. It’s in your eyes, it’s the way you hold my hand, it’s the feather light kisses you put on my shoulder, it’s the hugs you give me as if providing shelter, it’s the way you squeeze my knees when we’re sitting close to each other, it’s the kisses you place on my lips whenever I utter the words “goodbye.” I am not going to lie, you are, by far the only guy who has made me feel loved in the best way possible. You’re clingy, you text me every time I need you to text me, you’re always there, in times of need and in times when I don’t even need you at all (which is almost always the case), you call every night, you take me out on dates and most especially, you take me to church every Sunday. That’s something hard to pull off.

Never did I feel as if your “I love you’s” have become routine, even if you keep on stating it endlessly during any time in a day. Don’t you ever think that I am not grateful, I am. I am thankful because I have finally found a man who has the capability to love me more than I love him. But you fell in love with the wrong girl. Every Sunday when we’re at your church, I can’t help but feel that your love grows more and more until it’s the biggest bubble of love I’ve been in. I’m so blessed that whenever we start to praise and I begin to get teary eyed, and you would look at me – as if I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, I can’t help but mutter the words “I love you”. Even if… even if it’s not the truth.

But… there is always a but. You fell in love with the wrong woman.

You fell in love with a woman who is still learning to love herself so she can give more, you fell for a woman who is in search for her thirst on her ambitions and is driven by wanderlust. I love you because you love me. I can’t love you if I didn’t know that you’d be this kind of person. The kind who is selfless and so loving I have lost the ability to reciprocate. I love you, I do but only because your love is apparent. If you have shown your love using your subtlest moves, then I would have left you long ago. I am letting you love me for your happiness and not for my own. I am giving you this chance to be with me because you want me and I am willing to make you feel what you want to feel. You are, after all, entitled to feel the emotions you have longed to acquire.

There will come a time where leaving you is the only option I’ll have and once that day comes, I wish you’d understand why I’m leaving. I am leaving because it is time for you to have the real thing. Clearly, I am anything but that. I am, as I would like to call it, a dream. I wrote something that describes who you are for me.

HE IS NOT MY DREAM BOY
BUT HE IS A BOY WITH A DREAM
THAT INCLUDES ME IN BETWEEN.

That in between I’m talking about? That’s me. And soon I’ll be reaching the end and you’ll go back to yourself. I love you. I do. I love you because you love me. I love you because you told me you were afraid to lose me, well you have me. Just for now. You saved me from all the wrong decisions I could have done. I’m sorry if this sounds as if I am using you. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m the one who’ll make you cold and you’ll be mad at me for the rest of your days. Use it; use that anger to get over me. Well not yet. Let’s enjoy the days we still have because once I leave, I leave for good.

I know I’ll break your heart because I am in no position to glue something together or holding a precious gem to protect it from harm. I’m a mess and I will love you as long as I can. Or as long as you are healthy for me. Think of it as if when I leave you, you’re loving me more. You are sacrificing your broken heart to keep mine intact for the long haul. I love you, baby. I’m (not) sure. I’m terribly (un)sure. I know it’s (not) a fact.

Being.imelda

my heart and other blackholes

I have loved so many things in this world. I love flowers: the smell, the colors, the way that putting them in my hair or behind my ears makes me feel ten times more beautiful. I love the sunshine, no matter how much it burns my fair skin, I’ll always love it. I love salt water, whether we’re talking about happy tears or ocean water­ I am a fan. I love animals & coffee & journals with empty pages for me to fill, I love the smell of books (old or new), and I like the open road paired with good music.

More than anything my heart has an endless ability to love people.

Despite my best efforts to hate the hearts who have hurt me, or to stop caring about the souls that got away, I can’t. I have started to see that having a heart that has the ability to love after the fact is actually pretty beautiful.

I always hated to be the person who says “please never call me or text me or talk to me again,” and then checks that persons Facebook or twitter three times a day, or hopes that every time my phone goes off I see their name. I always hated that I couldn’t turn off the part of my heart that needed to make sure that this person who I told to forget I exist was okay, that they were happy, that their heart was full. I hated that I still cared.

There are a lot of people in this world walking around who have no idea that they took up permanent residency in my heart from the moment I met them. Childhood friends who got me through all the hardships that I experienced too early in life. Boys who took me home in their cars and let me choose the music and boys who made me feel like I hung the moon. Friends who let me cry on their shoulders & who pulled me out of bed to remind what it feels like to really live after it had been too long. People who I pushed away, people who found a different path, even the people who are here now and in my daily life; I don’t think I can stop caring.

Just because I don’t love someone anymore, doesn’t mean I don’t still care, and it certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t pray for their happiness every day.

There is a certain stigma that’s says, “this person hurt me, I hope they never find happiness.” I get this; I get that nothing is more devastating than when a person you love won’t love you back, or when the words of another person wound us. But then I think about all the people I have hurt in this world, people who loved me and I couldn’t love them back, and then I think about how despite the hurt I’ve put on people and the mistakes I’ve made, it doesn’t make any less worthy of happiness, it just makes me
human.

So to the friends who chose another path and we grew up and grew apart, please know I hope you are endlessly happy. To the friends I hurt and who hurt me, please know that I hope you’re happy every day. I hope you find people to grow with you and to love you.

To the boys who I wanted so badly to love, I hope you stumble on to a girl who loves you in all the ways I couldn’t. I hope you find a girl who sets your heart on fire & you light up the world together, and I’m so sorry for any scars that I left.

So, if you’re like me, and you’re heart has been hurt by someone you used to know, by a heart you used to love, I hope you’re brave enough to allow your heart to be light instead of bitter.

I hope that instead of thinking about how your heart was broken, I hope you remember all the reasons you cared and loved for so long. The way your name sounded in their voice, the way they made you brave, the late nights, the random acts of friendship, the adventures.

Please know there is a reason you loved the hearts you loved, and it’s okay to still care.

You are not weak, you are not stupid, you are human, and sometimes we can’t help the hands our hearts fall into.

Whatever hands your heart has fallen into, I hope they treat it gently and love you boldly.

Being.imelda

Dear sister,

 

1.

Say goodbye to the thoughts that haunt you late at night to tell you that you’re not good enough. Think of how you always prove them wrong and prove them wrong one more time.

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2.

Say goodbye to the ones who didn’t appreciate you, the ones who didn’t answer your calls or your texts, the ones who didn’t love you or treat you with respect. Let them go and find the ones who are worth your time.

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3.

Say goodbye to the moments you messed up and the mistakes you made along the way. It’s how you learn and how you grow.

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4.

Say goodbye to the tears you cried over the ones who didn’t deserve you, say goodbye to everyone who made your year a little harder.

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5.

Say goodbye to your fears; the ones that stop you from living your life, the ones that stop you from dreaming and the ones that stop you from trying.

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6.

Say goodbye to the moments of weakness you had to endure, know that every moment of weakness brings you closer to a moment of strength.

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7.

Say goodbye to loving someone who didn’t love you back. Know that every heartbreak is bringing you one step closer to the right one.

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8.

Say goodbye to staying when you should leave. Know that you’re always allowed to leave and you should.

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9.

Say goodbye to staying the same when you can change. Change means you’re not settling and you should never settle.

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10.

Say goodbye to the friends who let you down and the ones that betrayed you. They served as an example of the people you should avoid and the people you shouldn’t trust.

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11.

Say goodbye to the ones who doubted you and the ones who laughed at your dreams. Make it a point to take their words as a challenge, let them be the fuel that ignites your motivation and determination.

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12.

Say goodbye to your ‘bucket list.’ Life is so much better when you don’t have a list to guide you, life is better when you set yourself free from your own expectations.

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13.

Say goodbye to your obsession with controlling things, understand that sometimes it’s better to just let things be and let the answers come to you.

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14.

Say goodbye to all the unanswered questions, to all the hows, whys and what ifs. They’re only going to clutter your mind because sooner or later, you’ll know why things happened the way they did.

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15.

Say goodbye to everything and everyone that weren’t ‘meant to be.’ Trust God. Trust the universe. Trust that sometimes you don’t always know what’s best for you.

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16.

Say goodbye to the words that hurt you, the ones you couldn’t shake off, the ones that you thought defined who you are. Every year brings a new chance to redefine everything including yourself.

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17.

Say goodbye to the tough times of being 21 , the bad memories, the sleepless nights, the heartbreak but take the lessons with you. 

With love, 

being.imelda❤❤

Dear God.

Dear God,

Please don’t let me get attached to what’s not meant for me anymore. Don’t let me get attached to something or someone that you plan on taking away from me.

I know your plan is unknown but until you reveal it to me, please make it easier. Don’t let me hold on to what I need to let go of. Don’t let me fight for what I need to release. Do not let me desire what will eventually destroy me. Do not let me love those who will break my heart.

Because I get attached easily and I hold on to things tightly, so please don’t let my mind want things that I can’t handle, don’t let my mind trick me into wanting things I don’t need or things that are not good for me. Please don’t let my heart miss people who don’t miss me. Don’t let my heart long for the ones who left. Don’t let my heart fall in love with someone who doesn’t want to stay.

Please don’t let me get attached to the things that keep me up at night, to people who leave me wondering and to places I’m not meant to live in. Bring me closer to what’s meant for me, let me hold on to those who are meant to stay.

But let me forget about the things that were never meant to be, give me the faith I need to believe that I’m better off without them. Give me the wisdom I need to realize that I deserve so much better and that I’ll be happier somewhere else with somebody else.

Or just give me tolerance I need right now to be okay with not getting the things I want, with not loving the ones I wanted to love and give me the patience I need to wait for your blessings and wait for your gifts.

But for now, please don’t let me get attached to what’s wrong for me. Don’t let me invest so much in things or people I’m bound to lose. Don’t let me want what’s not mine. Don’t let me build a future around what’s temporary.

Your daughter, 

Being.imelda

 

Goodbye

 

You say goodbye when you’re sure
that there’s nothing more you can do,
when you’ve asked all your questions
and heard all the answers.

You say goodbye when you’ve tried
to get a little closer,
when you fought a little harder
and still the door keeps closing.

You say goodbye when you’ve stuck around
a little longer than you should.
When you were stubborn and feisty
and didn’t listen to what people had to say.

You say goodbye when you look at them
and they can’t see you,
when they stop caring,
when they stop missing you.

You say goodbye when they say it first
whether silently or out loud.
You see it in their eyes, in their actions,
you hear it, even in their most loving their words.

You say goodbye when you’ve tried to stay
but they keep pushing you away
because once you leave
you’re not coming back.

You say goodbye when you understand
that it should never be one-sided.
It should never be unrequited.
It should never be that painful.

You say goodbye when you believe
that one day you will meet someone
who makes goodbyes impossible.
Someone who enters with no plans to exit.

Yours, 

Being.imelda

Messages in a bottle

Hey, 

I thought you felt it too. I thought you meant every word, every smile and every laughter. We had a connection, or did we? Did you feel it too?  Cause i felt every compliment, the little things you did and everything in between. I felt it all. 

I knew you were different or i still believe it. I know I’m sensitive and fragile and i tend to over think things especially when i notice the slight change of mood but i assume you know that already cause what we were good at was being open with one another. 

You were conny and goofy and nasty and my favorite person. You knew how to lighten the mood, you knew what to say and when to say it. You were like my mirror looking back right at me and i believed that’s what i wanted for the rest of my life. Like i always told you, you were my answered prayer. 

When i decided to give you my body, I knew that is what i wanted cause it was for the right cause or at least i felt like we had something we needed to explore and figure out what it was. I have no regrets about it and i hope you don’t as well cause that will break me i swear. 

It’s been more than 10hrs that we haven’t spoke which i guess is the longest hour ever since we crossed each others path. Our last conversation wasn’t lively or let me say it didn’t feel like you. I told you i feel everything and i notice even the slightest things. Is it that you are tired? Is it that you want to think things through? Is it me?  Did i do something to offend you? Is what we did making you have guilty conscience? What is it? If there’s something i can’t handle is the silent treatment and being in the dark. Did any of what we had mean anything to you?  Or you were just satisfying your ego. 

Like i said i over think things too much and now my mind is racing with a bunch of questions of what may have gone wrong. I really don’t let people in, i take alot of time and when i choose you, i choose you all the way. With you it was different, it was a spontaneous attraction. Was i supposed to deny myself the chance of feeling something? I decided to take the highroad and explore what the future had instored for me and that was you. Did i make a mistake? I don’t know. I still took my chances knowing that maybe this wasn’t real and that we got caught up with our unsettled feelings. 

You were my favorite notification or maybe still is. You blew up my phone and made me smile so much, something i hadn’t felt in a while and now i miss all that. You gave me something to look upto everyday. What we had was special.Remember how you used to call my name in excitement both in person and in text, i miss all that and your emojis made my heart race abit. 

Where do i stand now in your life? I’m  i being paranoid and taking things too fast?  I’m sorry my bad. Probably it’s because you are a rare gem and that i wanted  you for myself. It’s obvious that i like you and you already know that but with the change in mood probably it’s not just like, it’s beyond like.I really don’t know if you feel the same way but I’d be really glad if you did. 

Please return my texts and let me know what’s up. Remember when i asked you if you are here to stay and you said it depends. That answer really did hurt a bit but i thank you for being frank with me. I get attached too soon and maybe i misunderstood the sign. I’ve been hurt pretty bad before and i just want to guard my heart  from going through the same cause i don’t know if I’ll  make it out this time or maybe it’s too late. 

Please let me in in whatever it is you are thinking i promise I’ll stay just like i had promised before. I asked you not to change, to be constant cause i loved what i saw and i hope you’ll keep it that way. All you are giving is small talk something unlike you and I’m  still trying to wonder what’s wrong and even if i ask you about it, i am not getting any feedback from you. 

Is it space you need,do you want me to stay away cause trust you me it won’t be easy but i will if that is what it takes for you to be okay. I miss you,i really do but there’s nothing i can do about it right now. Don’t push me away cause that’s exactly what you are doing and trust you me not even words can explain how broken i feel right now. But you know what, I’ve been through this road before and the signs are familiar too. Probably this was my destiny and i shouldn’t blame you whatsoever. 

We can’t force anyone to stay when they don’t want to. We can’t make people feel things that they don’t feel so may be i understand that probably you are not the problem but i am for expecting too much from you. Kindly don’t plant flowers when you are not ready to water them cause they’ll die, just like i feel right now. But I’ll be fine cause there’s always a second chance called tomorrow.You were great, perfect and one of the few best souls. Thank you for the smiles, the laughter, the hugs and the good memories. 

Yours, 

Being.imelda